Love Bytes

By Dr. Daniel Bober Founder, Psychiatric Consultants of Florida

“I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my Blackberry, so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting!”
Drew Barrymore, He’s Just Not That Into You

Meeting, hooking up and dating has become a tangled web of confusion, thanks to Facebook, texting, BBM and other forms of instant communication. The “rules” of dating or being in a committed relationship are more ambiguous than ever. Texting and BBM have made it almost too easy to get in touch, from asking someone on a date to after-hours booty calls all being relayed via typeface. Some don’t consider even consider their romance a relationship until it’s “Facebook official”. The nature of the modern-day relationship is changing as quickly as the “ping” on our smartphones. Here are a few of the culprits.

Just Google

Got the person’s name? Then, through the magic of the world’s favorite search engine, you may have access to reams of information about them—especially if they’re in a reasonably high-profile job. Before Google became the all-pervasive, world-bestriding colossus that it is today, the only information you could find about a new date was through asking mutual friends. Now, even total strangers may be open books, especially if they’re in a reasonably high-profile job.

Facebook Stalking

Like the above, but for friends of friends. Met someone you like through a mutual acquaintance? Want to know more about him? Simply click on to Facebook and go through his photos. Some protect their images, but even they can be partially discovered by looking through photos of your friend. It’s a gateway to a world of uncomfortable questions. (Like, Who’s that girl with her arm around him in all the pictures?)

Social networking sites satisfy that basic human need to belong, as well as the ability to experience instant feedback and recognition from someone, somewhere, 24 hours a day.

Recent scientific research suggests that the social networking sites that we have created are actually altering the way our brains work, and the implications for the future of how we interact as a species are concerning. We seem to be much braver online than we are in person.

In addition, this technology fuels inhibition. Some of us do not possess the level of self-control necessary to negotiate the minefield of digital romance, and are at times impulsive.

A 2010 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that four out of five lawyers reported an increasing number of divorce cases citing evidence derived from social networking sites in the past five years, with Facebook being the leader. Two-thirds of the lawyers surveyed said that Facebook was the “primary source” of evidence in divorce proceedings. Another dangerous practice known as, “sexting” or sending sexually explicit messages or photographs via text message also destroys many relationships.

Online Dating

Used with care, the Internet has opened up a new way of meeting people to those who might not have the time or the opportunity elsewhere. However, “getting to know someone” has been digitized to a list of statistics and preferences, as “if” that reveals someone’s true character. If you are lucky, you may actually get an accurate representation of who you are dealing with on the other end of cyberspace, instead of a picture that looks like it was taken from the Hubble Space Telescope or a digitally enhanced Photoshop image misrepresenting someone’s attractiveness and youth.

Indeed, experts have asserted that technology has completely degraded what constitutes romance today, but that doesn’t mean that our preferences are changing to match the modern age, according to Psychology Today. We should consider the question of time displacement, meaning the time you spend chatting, IM-ing, friending and Tweeting with people online takes away from face-to-face conversations and activities.

Technology is “completely degrading” the way we communicate romance. Face-to-face conversations are no longer the norm, and even talking on the phone takes the backseat to text messaging and emails. Technology has stunted the growth of intimacy because we engage in less direct interaction with each other. When meeting in person, human interaction occurs in real time and requires not only a certain set of social skills but an awareness of both verbal and non-verbal cues. This simply does not occur online.

It was Albert Einstein who worried that someday our technology may surpass our humanity, and if love and romance are what make us human and distinguish us from other forms of life, then we owe it to ourselves to be vigilant that our technology does not undermine the process of finding true love and holding onto it.

I am curious to know what you think. Send me a text. LOL.